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Some light content during a busy day
  • Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?  Breasts don't have eyes.
  • A computer once beat me at chess,   but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?  
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
  • As long as there are tests,   there will be prayer in schools.
  • What did one ocean say to the other ocean?   Nothing, they just waved.
  • A day without sunshine is like,   night.
  • Born free,   taxed to death.
  • For Sale: Parachuete   Only used once, never opened.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money,
      if you can prove that you don't need it.
  • What is faster Hot or cold? Hot,   because you can catch a cold.
  • What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
      After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
  • Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.
  • Love may be blind,   but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?  He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
  • When everything's coming your way,   you're in the wrong lane.
  • I say no to alcohol,   it just doesn't listen.
  • If you can't convince them,   confuse them.
  • Whenever I find the key to success,   someone changes the lock.
  • Why did the bee get married?   Because he found his honey.
  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?   A stick.
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…  
  • Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
  • Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
  • I just let my mind wander,   and it didn't come back.
  • Time flies like an arrow;   fruit flies like a banana.
  • Do not argue with an idiot.   He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire,   remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  • Why did the spider cross the road?  To get to his website!
  • What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?  A small medium at large.
  • What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?  Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
  • De Beers and the beers are both very costly,
      and both can sometimes get similar results from your girlfriend.
  • Did you know there are two kinds of nails?
      One kind you hammer & the other you trim. Just be careful which one you hammer next time.
  • Two women were talking when one asked; what's the definition of a will?
       The other woman said idk what is it? The other women said ; come on its a dead giveaway.
  • Born free,   taxed to death.
  • For Sale: Parachuete   Only used once, never opened.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money,
      if you can prove that you don't need it.
  • What is faster Hot or cold? Hot,   because you can catch a cold.
  • What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
      After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
  • Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.
  • Love may be blind,   but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?  He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80?  Aye Matey.
  • To the handicapped guy who stole my bag  - You can hide but you can't run.
  • I took the shell off my racing snail,  thinking it would make him run faster.
  • As long as there are tests,   there will be prayer in schools.
  • What did one ocean say to the other ocean?   Nothing, they just waved.
  • A day without sunshine is like,   night.
  • Born free,   taxed to death.
  • For Sale: Parachuete   Only used once, never opened.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money,
      if you can prove that you don't need it.
  • What is faster Hot or cold? Hot,   because you can catch a cold.
  • What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
      After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
  • Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.
  • Love may be blind,   but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?  He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80?  Aye Matey.
  • To the handicapped guy who stole my bag  - You can hide but you can't run.
  • I took the shell off my racing snail,  thinking it would make him run faster.

    Great Kids' Jokes by

    Funny Jokes topic!  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • Question: Why did the poor man sell yeast?  To raise some dough.
  • What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
      Give me my quarterback!
  • What did the mayonaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door.   Close the door I am dressing!
  • Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?  Because he was on a roll.
  • Why did the smart phone need glasses?  Because it lost all of it's contacts
  • What do cats fear of trees  Their Bark!
  • Why does a seagull fly over the sea?  Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a ba(y)gel!
  • Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.  Poor bastard.
  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow?   You look for the fresh prints.
  • I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.  Even the cake was in tiers!
  • A physicist see a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
      He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
  • A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.  The bartender gave it to her.
  • Want to hear a word I just made up?  Plagiarism.
  • Why do cows wear bells?  Because their horns don't work.
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80?  Aye Matey.
  • To the handicapped guy who stole my bag  - You can hide but you can't run.
  • I took the shell off my racing snail,  thinking it would make him run faster.

    50 Terrible Quick Jokes by

    Funny Jokes topic!  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • Parallel lines have so much in common.  It's a shame they'll never meet.
  • My wife accused me of being immature.  I told her to get out of my fort.
  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.   Then they call me ugly and poor.
  • How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?  One, they're efficient and not very funny.
  • What do you call a dog with no legs?  It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.
  • Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.  You have my Word.
  • What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?  A pool table.
  • Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.  Poor bastard.
  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow?   You look for the fresh prints.
  • I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.  Even the cake was in tiers!
  • A physicist see a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
      He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
  • A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.  The bartender gave it to her.
  • Want to hear a word I just made up?  Plagiarism.
  • Why do cows wear bells?  Because their horns don't work.
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80?  Aye Matey.
  • To the handicapped guy who stole my bag  - You can hide but you can't run.
  • I took the shell off my racing snail,  thinking it would make him run faster.

    Favorite George Carlin Jokes by

    Funny Jokes topic!  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • Comedy  "I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
  • On The Meaning Of Life:  “I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”
  • On Freedom:  “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”
  • Drinking  “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
  • Addiction  “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
  • Conflict  “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
  • Winning  “It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”
  • Religion  “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
  • Politics  “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
  • Rebels  “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
  • Being Impatient  “I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!”
  • Human Stupidity  “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
  • Home Ownership  “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
  • Intelligent Life Elsewhere  “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
  • One the Great Outdoors  “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
  • Driving  “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
  • Being Self Centered  “The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
  • America  “When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.”

    Phyllis Diller Jokes by

    Funny Jokes topic!  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • Age  You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
  • Football  The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
  • Health  I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
  • Laughter  If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
  • Doctors  The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
  • Marriage  This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
  • Religion  I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
  • Appearance  I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
  • Husbands  The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
  • Aging  Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
  • Housework  Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
  • Popularity  I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'
  • Children  Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
  • Life  You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
  • Office Life  What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  • Raising Children  We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

    How to Say if Someone is Stupid by

    Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor  
  • A few clowns short of a circus.
  • A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
  • An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  • Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  • Dumber than a box of hair.
  • A few peas short of a casserole.
  • Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
  • The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
  • Surfing in Nebraska.
  • Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
  • Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
  • Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
  • Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  • He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  • An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
  • As smart as bait.
  • Chimney's clogged.
  • Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
  • Her sewing machine's out of thread.
  • His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
  • If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
  • Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  • No grain in the silo.
  • Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  • Several nuts short of a full pouch.
  • Skylight leaks a little.
  • Slinky's kinked.

    Joan Rivers Jokes by

    Funny Jokes topic!  Enjoy these classic Jokes!
  • Parallel lines have so much in common.  It's a shame they'll never meet.
  • My wife accused me of being immature.  I told her to get out of my fort.
  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.   Then they call me ugly and poor.
  • How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?  One, they're efficient and not very funny.
  • What do you call a dog with no legs?  It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.
  • Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.  You have my Word.
  • What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?  A pool table.
  • Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.  Poor bastard.
  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow?   You look for the fresh prints.
  • I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.  Even the cake was in tiers!
  • A physicist see a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
      He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
  • A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.  The bartender gave it to her.
  • Want to hear a word I just made up?  Plagiarism.
  • Why do cows wear bells?  Because their horns don't work.
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80?  Aye Matey.
  • To the handicapped guy who stole my bag  - You can hide but you can't run.
  • I took the shell off my racing snail,  thinking it would make him run faster.

    Clean Jokes by

    Funny Jokes topic!  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.   Then they call me ugly and poor.
  • How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?  One, they're efficient and not very funny.
  • What do you call a dog with no legs?  It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.
  • Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.  You have my Word.
  • What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?  A pool table.
  • Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.  Poor bastard.
  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow?   You look for the fresh prints.
  • I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.  Even the cake was in tiers!
  • A physicist see a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
      He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
  • A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.  The bartender gave it to her.
  • Want to hear a word I just made up?  Plagiarism.
  • Why do cows wear bells?  Because their horns don't work.
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80?  Aye Matey.
  • To the handicapped guy who stole my bag  - You can hide but you can't run.
  • I took the shell off my racing snail,  thinking it would make him run faster.

    Famous Quotes by

    Funny Jokes topic!  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining,   but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
  • Always acknowledge a fault.   This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
  • Always do right   This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
  • Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have,   the man looked honest enough.
  • Be careful about reading health books.   You may die of a misprint.
  • Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear   - not absence of fear.
  • Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.   The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
  • Don't part with your illusions.   When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
  • Get your facts first,  and then you can distort them as much as you please.
  • Education: that which reveals to the wise,   and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.
  • Facts are stubborn things,   but statistics are more pliable.
  • Grief can take care of itself   but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

    Clean Legal Jokes by

    Funny Jokes topic!  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.  Q: What year? A: Every year.
  • Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?   A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
  • Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"   Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
  • Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.   Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years
  • Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499.
      Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
  • Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident?
      Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
  • Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir.
      Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
  • Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None.  Q: Were there any girls?
  • Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir.   Q: And you took your new wife?
  • Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
      A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
  • Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
      A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
  • Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
      Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
  • Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?  

    Comedian Series by

    Funny Jokes topic!  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • Don't hate the player; change the game.  
  • Comedians walk out, get a feel for the crowd. If it's not going good, we change directions.
    If we got to drag your momma into this thing, we will. Whatever we got to do.  
  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.   Then they call me ugly and poor.
  • T-bone you can't talk to Ced like that, just cause your life is messed up.  It ain't his fault your third wife left you for your second wife.
  • This year, all students WILL be wearing clothes under their graduation outfits or we will press charges!  

    Comedian Series -You Might be a Redneck by

    You Might be a Redneck if ...  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • You ever cut your grass and found a car.  
  • You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.  
  • Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.  
  • You own a homemade fur coat.  
  • Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.  
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.  
  • You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.  
  • Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.  
  • going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.  
  • You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.  
  • You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.  
  • You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.  
  • Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.  
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.  
  • You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.  
  • You've ever made change in the offering plate.  
  • You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.  
  • Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.  
  • Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."  
  • Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.  
  • The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'  
  • When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.  
  • On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.  
  • Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".  
  • You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.  
  • You bring your dog to work with you.  
  • You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.  
  • You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.  
  • You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.  
  • You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.  

    Comedian Series by

    Funny Jokes topic!  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.  
  • Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.  
  • Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.  
  • If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.   
  • It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.  
  • Question: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?
      Answer: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
  • Question: What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies.
      Catch-22.
  • Question: What is a clock, a jock and a crock.
      Big Ben, Payton Manning, and a candidate's campaign promises.
  • Question: Name a duck, mutt, and a slut.
      Answer: Donald, Benji, and Hayden Panettierre.

    Famous Comedian Lines by

    There's nobody quite like him, who's that ugly at least!  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.  
  • Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.  
  • I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.  
  • With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.   
  • I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.  
  • My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.  
  • My mother had morning sickness after I was born.  
  • My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.  
  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow?   You look for the fresh prints.
  • I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.  Even the cake was in tiers!
  • A physicist see a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
      He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
  • A physicist see a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
      He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
  • A physicist see a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
      He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
  • Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
      He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide.
  • A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
    I went over. Nobody was home!  
  • Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask.
      Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
  • I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.  
  • I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.  
  • One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag -   
    he felt up my wife.
  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!
  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me.
      I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
  • My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled.   - she said, "all kids smell that way".
  • Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was.   - she said "No, but I did get the license number".
  • When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.   
  • When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry.  
    We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

    Female Comedian Series by

    All of the jokes in this section are from Lily Tomlin   Keep laughing!
  • Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.  
  • If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?  
  • The road to success is always under construction  
  • If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed!  You have my Word.
  • If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?  
  • Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.  
  • Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse
  • Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?  
  • There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic
  • Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
  • Growing up in Michigan was fine...until I realized where I was.
  • Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth
  • The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
  • When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
  • Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.
  • Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.

    Comedian Series by

    Funny Jokes topic!  Enjoy these Jokes!
  • [during a bit about dogs] That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are.
      So do women, but they've already got men.
  • This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic.
      So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.
  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.   Then they call me ugly and poor.
  • [while snow-skiing with his family] I hit two trees and fell down a ditch.
      And that was just walking from the lodge.
  • I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference.
      Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.
      Number two: "We have medication for this."
      And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school."
  • Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.  
  • [about trampolines] I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.  
  • Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.  Poor bastard.
  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow?   You look for the fresh prints.
  • I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.  Even the cake was in tiers!
  • A physicist see a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
      He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
  • A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.  The bartender gave it to her.
  • Want to hear a word I just made up?  Plagiarism.
  • Why do cows wear bells?  Because their horns don't work.
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80?  Aye Matey.
  • To the handicapped guy who stole my bag  - You can hide but you can't run.
  • I took the shell off my racing snail,  thinking it would make him run faster.

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  • Why doe people give each other flowers?   To Celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
  • News  "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
  • Books  "If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?"
  • Stories  "If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life."
  • Fashion  "You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in a normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."
  • Musing  "I am so busy doing nothing ... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to drop everything."
  • Dating  "Let's face it: a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not at many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it."
  • Gifts  "Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."
  • Choices  "Sometimes the road less traveled is less travelled for a reason."
  • Intelligence  "A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that peoople are still thinking."
  • Dogs  "Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making poop, the other one's carrying it for him/ her, who would you assume is in charge?"
  • Public Speaking  "According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."
  • Marriage  "Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome."
  • Birthdays  "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out."
  • Empathy  "I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings."
  • Dining Out  "I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu."
  • Christmas  "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
  • Architecture  "Why do they call it a 'building'? It look like they're finished. Why isn't it a 'built'?"
  • Clothing  "I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, 'Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

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  • Guns  "Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling."
  • Cajuns  "Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying, with bad jokes, that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a genius."
  • Happiness  "I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park."
  • Sex  "I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"
  • Insurance  "Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck."
  • Dieting  "I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license."
  • Humor  "He who laughs last, thinks slowest."
  • Violence  "Guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early from work kill people"
  • Doctors  "I saw a sign one time that said 'hemorrhoids awareness week' at the doctor's office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm sure you are aware of it. You don't need a sign to tell anybody about it."
  • Love  "I am called to love my neighbor, which I do. I can disagree with my neighbor about several things, but I'm not going to hate my neighbor. It's not up to me to hate anybody. It's not up to me to judge anyone. It's up to me to be nice, to be kind and to do everything I can to help somebody."
  • Raising Children  "You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?"
  • Rednecks  "There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars."
  • Politics  "I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH."
  • Religion  "THE FACT THAT MY DAD IS A PREACHER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T AGREE WITH SOME OF MY MATERIAL BUT THEN AGAIN THERE'S NO SIGN ON MY COMEDY EVENT THAT SAYS "REVIVAL HERE TONIGHT". IM SURE GOD HAS MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN GO TO MY 8 OCLOCK OMAHA SHOW. THE SHOW IS THE SHOW AND CHURCH IS CHURCH."
  • Wal-Mart  "I LOVE WAL-MART. I CONSIDER MY JOKES TO BE VERY JEUVINILLE. STUFF A 14 YEAR OLD WOULD LAUGH AT BECAUSE THATS THE SENCE OF HUMOR I HAVE. ALL THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR CHURCH GROUPS HOWEVER WAL-MART AINT SUNDAY SCHOOL. AS LONG AS I DIDNT USE OFFENSIVE FOUL LANGUAGE I KNEW ID BE FINE. WAL-MART GETS IT, THATS WHY THEY BLOW AWAY THE COMPETITION. BESIDES ITS THERE STORE THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT. THATS AMERICA BABY!"
  • Friendship  "I disagree with a lot of things, but hey, what a person does is between them and their maker. I can disagree with somebody, and I can still be friends with them."

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  • Ghostbusters  Dana Barrett: That’s the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there. Dr. Peter Venkman: What a crime.
  • Groundhog Day  Ned, I would love to stay here and talk with you… but I’m not going to.
  • Caddyshack  Sandy: I want you to kill every gopher on the course! Carl: Check me if I’m wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they’re gonna lock me up and throw away the key.
  • Stripes  Recruiter: Now, are either of you homosexuals? John Winger: [John and Russell look at each other] You mean, like, flaming…
  • Ghostbusters  [Dana has described seeing a terror dog in her refrigerator] Dr. Peter Venkman: Generally you don’t see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
  • Stripes  [When his girlfriend is leaving him] You can’t go! All the plants are gonna die!
  • Caddyshack  So we finish 18 and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’ And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.’ … So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.
  • Ghostbusters  Dana Barrett: (Sigourney Weaver) [possessed by Zuul] Do you want this body? Dr. Peter Venkman: Is this a trick question?
  • Quote  A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs; please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!
  • Ghostbusters  I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people. [Dana starts passionately making out with him] Actually, it’s more of a guideline than a rule…
  • Technology & Children  The cool part about naming your kid is you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.
  • Meatballs  [to campers] Attention. Here’s an update on tonight’s dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The winner of tonight’s mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed “some kind of beef.”
  • Ghostbusters  I don’t have to take this abuse from you, I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.
  • Meatballs  Important announcement: [to campers] Some hunters have been seen in the woods near Piney Ridge trail and the fish and game commission has raised the legal kill limit on campers to three. So, if you’re hiking today, please wear something bright and keep low.
  • Groundhog Day  Rita: Do you ever have déjà vu? Phil: Didn’t you just ask me that?

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  • Decisions  "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
  • Money  A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
  • Being  You can observe a lot by watching.
  • Relationships  We have a good time together, even when we’re not together.
  • Patience  It ain’t over ’til it’s over.
  • Appreciation  I guess the first thing I should do is thank everybody who made this day necessary.
  • Questions  If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.
  • Looking Ahead  The future ain’t what it used to be.
  • Goals  If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
  • Competition  You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.
  • Dying  You should always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise, they won’t come to yours.
  • Baseball  Baseball is 90 percent mental and the other half is physical.
  • People  If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.
  • Stubborn  There are some people who, if they don’t already know, you can’t tell ’em.
  • Heresay  I never said most of the things I said. Then again, I might have said ’em, but you never know.

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  • White People  Alright, listen up! I don't like white people. I hate rednecks. You people are rednecks. That means I'm enjoyin' this shit.
  • Elvis Presley  That's my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you`d see pictures all over of Elvis. He's just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it's because he had such presence. When Elvis walked into a room, Elvis Presley was in the fucking room. I don't give a fuck who was in the room with him, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe.
  • Harlem  You're gonna be the nine-toed-havingest-limpingest bitch in Harlem if you don't stop fucking with me.
  • Dicks  Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.
  • Mick Jagge  Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"
  • Women  I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.
  • Wildlife  Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
  • Advice  The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.
  • Cussing  Now I can't have no 'curse' show - I mean - I got to throw in a few jokes in between the curses! I can't come out and just go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!
  • Wife / Women  It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.
  • Kids  There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they can hear that motherfucking ice cream truck.
  • Parenting  I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarket to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.
  • Stereotypes  White people can't dance. I'm not being racist it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, What are those niggers doing in here? They watchin' y'all dance. And thy're like, Look at these crazy muthafuckas. Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.
  • Relationships  Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?
  • Legacy  If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.
  • Police  This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in my life. This thing is nicer than my apartment.
  • Homosexuality  I have nothing against homosexuals. I think an orgasm is your thing, and you should fuck whoever the fuck you feel like fucking. Whoever makes you come the hardest. Anybody who says you shouldn't, politely tell them to mind their own business.

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  • Life  "Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that."
  • Nemo  Just Keep Swimming
  • Sexual Preference  I like my coffee like I like my men. I don't drink Coffee.
  • Life  "Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days."
  • Aging  "I have a rule: If the temperature is less than my age, I don't get out of bed."
  • Happiness  "My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the low. The Pina and the Colada."
  • True Necessities  "Why don't they give us things we can actually use? I don't need a thinner phone. You know what I need? I need a tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole."
  • Gay Rights  "Do we have to worry about who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?"
  • Acceptance  "Accept who you are unless you're a serial killer."
  • Teaching Children  "I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, That's cute. I taught her that."
  • Taylor Swift  "I would like to end with my favorite Mark Twain Quote: 'Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rock at things that shine and life makes love look hard." That was actually Taylor Swift, but she does have a point."
  • Learning  "Be open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday."

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  • Life  The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
  • Self  Knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can.
  • Comedy  I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
  • Exercise  Whenever I get the urge to workout, I lay down until the feeling passes.
  • Love  Love is being stupid together
  • Time  If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you do.
  • Friendship  All you need is a great friend and a full tank of gas.
  • Marriage  Ever since we said "I do" there are so many things we don't.
  • Judging  I try not to judge because I'm quite screwed up myself.
  • Regret  I'd rather regret the things I've done than the things I haven't done.
  • Life  Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.

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  • Conversation  I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
  • Politics  Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.'
  • Anger / Parenting  My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, ‘Well, dammit, we can’t have nice things.’
  • Sports  I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.
  • Pets  I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.
  • Children  Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
  • Death  It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incident, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.
  • Intelligence  What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.
  • Death  The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
  • Alaska  I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.
  • Talking  We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
  • Politics  President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.
  • Florida  Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.
  • Growing Up  I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

    Great Comedians Series by

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  • I dont think there is anything wrong with telling the truth.   I know its not fashionable.
  • I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time.   But you shouldn't.
  • I'm gonna enjoy being old    I think I'll be awesome at it.
  • Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.  
  • ....maybe fear is God's way of saying,   "Pay attention, this could be fun.
  • When in doubt about who's to blame.   Blame the English.
  • You clap. The Censor wakes up.   We all get into trouble.
  • I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game.
      Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
  • The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.  
  • This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that.
      I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it.
  • I have a beard. Just not on my face...  
  • I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.  
  • Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness!   I've got other crap I need help with!
  • People sometimes say to me:   "Craig, get out of my garden."
  • A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy.   The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
  • If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.  


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